I mentioned a few days ago that this upcoming week would be bittersweet and I promised I’d get around to explaining why. Well, here’s the reason:
April 1 would have been my due date.
Was. Should have been. Is no longer.
If I hadn’t miscarried in the fall, I’d probably be holding that sweet baby in my arms at this very moment. It just breaks my heart to think about it.
On Friday, April 6, I have my big 20 week ultrasound.
Yep, I’ll get to see THIS sweet baby again (for the 5th time) and hopefully find out whether “it” is really a “he” or a “she” (a matter of utmost importance to my 3 year old).
And I’m hoping against all hopes that we’ll find out that everything is OK with the baby and with the placenta. It’s been a stressful couple of months of dealing with a large subchorionic hemorrhage and all of the bleeding and anxiety it’s caused. I’ve tried not worry too much because I did have a SCH with my first pregnancy (although much smaller and much earlier) and everything turned out fine. They’re actually pretty common and many resolve without further issue. But this one showed up later than usual, and when we finally confirmed it on an ultrasound last month (after several weeks of suspecting that was what was the problem), we saw that it was surprisingly large and a big part of it extended underneath the placenta, which I learned could cause issues with the placenta properly attaching and developing. My OB seemed positive about the odds that it would resolve satisfactorily, but with my track record of losses, I can’t help being a little worried. Or maybe more than a little. Honestly, I won’t relax until I see proof that it’s improved. And I hope nothing else is wrong, or even suspected to be wrong. I can’t take many more scares of the “we can’t find the heartbeat” kind like I had in February. (Talk about deja vu, ugh!) Like I mentioned before, it’s been a nerve-wracking couple of months.
So on one hand, I have a very big reminder of my still-recent loss, while on the other, I have excitement mixed with worry about this baby that I so desperately want to be safe and healthy.
What a jumbled mess of emotions.
I miss the babies I’ve lost. My heart aches for them every day. But if I hadn’t lost the first baby, I wouldn’t have Danica. And if I hadn’t lost the last baby, I wouldn’t have this one. I’m simultaneously sad and happy, which I find confusing and overwhelming. And crazy pregnancy hormones aren’t helping matters.
But the good news is that if everything looks OK with this ultrasound, I should be transferred to my midwife’s care right away. And then I can spend the second half of the pregnancy feeling more relaxed and looking forward to another fantastic home birth.
I just have to get through this week. And hope for the best.